Live Laugh Love

What Have I been up too???

2010-02-28T21:50:00.000-05:00

Work and unpacking... So last i left bloggy world my sis was coming to visit... we had such a good time. It was nice to have someone to come to each night and make dinner for. We made homemade pizza and chicken parmesan and fettuccine alfredo, we also baked a cake. It was great. I sent her home Friday morning before work and it was so sad to see her leave. I'm missing her like crazy. That same Friday i left for my girlfriends bachelortte weekend festivities, needless to say it has been crazy trying to move and plan that weekend at the same time.. But it went off without a hitch and we all had so much fun.

Last Sunday when i got home it was the first night i was going to spend alone in my apt. And I'm happy to say it was a successful night and week. I went to work this week and came home and cooked dinner every night. It was nice to have my independence again. And this weekend my bedroom and dining room furniture arrived. WHOO HOOO!!! it's starting to feel like an apartment... i love it. I just need to find places to put my paper work and bags. But little by little i know everything will fall into place.

Oh and another highlight of this week was gettign into contact with an old friend who lives about 1 hour away who i found out is married and has two kiddies... I'm soo happy to hear how happy she is and all the happiness that life has brought her. But i was also sad to feel like i missed out on sharing those things with her we haven't spoken in almost 5 years. We just lost touch after college and i didn't make an effort to keep up our friendship and i feel horrible about it. But i plan on changing that now. When i spoke to her, it felt like time hadn't passed and I'm super excited.

Okay time to go get ready for work tomorrow. can't deciede if i should go curly or straight for tomorrow.

Night night bloggy world

PS welcome to my new followers... thank you.. :)

Settling into my new place...

2010-02-14T19:12:00.000-05:00

So it has been quite an adventure thus far moving. How do i feel? This is the first few hours I'm finally alone in my apartment ( mom has been here with the last 4 days and just left this afternoon) and so far I'm okay. I wish I had TV but movies on my comp have been doing just fine. I'm hoping that once i start work I won't still feel this feeling of boredom and anxiety, Because it's killing me. Luckily I am going to pick up my sister later to spend the week with me. I think I still need a bit company. As much as I hate to admit it. Especially because today is Valentines' Day and I'm thinking about "you know who" the ex. I know I shouldn't I should be happy and excited about being in a new place and all the exciting things that come along with it. Okay time to snap myself out of it. SNAP SNAP!!! okay I'm better. Phew.

Time to make dinner and catch up on my reader list. I'm update more about my move later.

Wishing you all a Happy Valentine's Day.

~Bella

The 80/20 Rule...

2010-02-06T18:33:00.000-05:00

So on this not so snowing day. I've decided to not do any of of the things I should be doing like, packing and running last minute errands. Instead I've decided to sit and veg out in front of the TV and watch movies. One of the movies that I'm watching is Tyler Perry's " Why Did I Get Married".

I've seen it quite a few times and have always thought the the 80/20 rules that Gavin speaks about in the beginning of the movie is so on point. I just wish i had known about it a few years ago. When I had 80 and thought I needed to look for 100 and have seemed to only find 20's from now on. Silly me, I know. I actually was looking for someone perfect, not taking into account that I knew that no-one was perfect. We all have our good and bad parts about us that makes each person who they are. What did I think was so wrong, I'm not quite sure at this point any more. I think allot had to do with the fact that I thought I was Peter Pan and thought he was a grandfather. But in retrospect now, i realize that we had so much fun together. we were silly and goofy, played video games, ran around like kids but the adult side of him kept us grounded allowed us to have the things in life that young adults didn't have nor did they think about. We rarely argued and the few times we did it was usually b/c I lied to him about something thinking he wouldn't understand for being a grandfather but he forgave me every time, he just wanted me to be honest with him so that we could figure life out together. YET I was looking for this extra 20 that I thought I needed when I had everything I ever wanted. A man that loved me, cared for me, respected me, took care of me, supported me in everything. What was I thinking? But I guess I am hopefully for that 80 to come back, whether it is with him or in someone else. I'm just happy to know that when it does I know that I will recognize it and truly cherish it. Because it is a blessing. Love is a blessing not to be taken for granted.

Blessings...

2010-02-01T22:55:00.000-05:00

I truly felt sooo blessed this past weekend. My girls surprised me with a goodbye dinner and I just loved it. It was my favorite type of food surround with my favorite people. What more could I ask for. It times like these that you truly can see who are really your friends and who are just ones that take up space. I happy to say that I am at the point in my life where i can say that I think I'm done weeding people out!!!!... and that feeling is so good I can't even explain.

Today I had dinner with my brother -in -law. That sounds so formal for all all the years that I was with my ex he's like the little brother I never had. So I will address him as my little brother. It was really nice to sit and chit chat with him. He updates me on his life and I give him advice it's nice to know that he still thinks of me like his older sister. The only thing that throws me off from time to time is that he'll so something and make a face and OMG he looks just like my ex... it's crazy... but other than that it's cool.

I had a great ending to a great weekend!.

OMG did i forget to mention I'm moving!!!! lol

Where have you been Bella??

2010-01-28T11:45:00.000-05:00

Some of you might be asking that question..

Well 2010 has turned out to be a blessed year so far and I decided to actually move... I'm moving further down South and I'm super excited...

So i've been looking for apts... and I finally found one in a cute little community

And I'm super excited I can't believe that.. lil ole me is actually doing this.

I'm the type of person who hasn't lived more than 20 minutes from home but at the same time I'm not stuck at the hip with my family... i love to travel alone and do it often... I think my friends play the biggest role in the saddness i feel about leaving... I don't like to feel left out of things or not needed... and being so far it's inevitably that I won't be able to be at everything... and that bothers me

I know i will feel it the first few times and then i'll just get over it.. or at least i hope i'll just get over it...

Either way I'm super happy with my decision.. I think this is what's best for me

So as I pack up my life and tie up loose ends... i might not get to blog as much ... but i am keeping up with my reading and comments...

WHOOO HOOO... I'm Moving!!!!

Dear God...

2010-01-10T16:11:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

Please grant the me the strength to put these thoughts out of my mind. Help me and guide me to do what is right and what is in your likeness. Please look after me and my family help get us through this rough time with no more incidences. Grant everyone the strength to think before speaking or acting and to realize that it's not that serious. Guide my mom to realize her self worth and finally put a stop to her being taking advantage of. Watch over us for this I pray today...And thank you God for all the blessing you have given me.. I know that i am truly blessed.

Bella

Why....

2010-01-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

Why do I feel that the only men that ask me out or are interested in me are only interested in me because they want to get into my pants... and when they don'...t b/c i'm just not that type of girl... they disappear... why am i not the one that want for keeps... is it me..it it something that i give off...some sort of signal that that's what i want.. i don't know.. but i want to change that... i want a relationship not a one night stand... don't get me wrong i won't judge those who chose to live their lives like Samantha... i just hope they do it safely... but i can't my feelings are so closely tied to my sexuality that it's so hard for me to let go and allow myself to sleep with someone that's not my boyfriend...someone who i haven't developed a trust with... Am i doomed to never find someone to want to be with me because they see my inner beauty??? I'm so so hurt and lost inside... why am i not worthy of more???

Cravings...

2010-01-03T15:58:00.000-05:00

Ever since I was a little girl... i would get a craving for a particular food item and it is all I can think about until I get it... I mean it can range from actual restaurants, to fast food restaurants, to actual meals, or just an ingredient... so crazy... but one I get one on days like today when it's freezing outside and snowing and all I want to do is stay cuddled up in my bed... but i want to fill my CRAVE... what may you ask am i craving... UGH like one item from like 4 different places... I really would love some baked clams... grandma slices.... I could use really like some breaded eggplant slices... ohhh some wendy's would be nice too... i know I'm just a gluten at the moment... could be the the food network i am watching while being cuddled up in bed.. trying to stay warm... maybe i should order 1 of the above and just turn off the the station.. okay wish me luck on filling my craving... I hope I'm not the only non-preggo craving person out there...

Am I????

What are the odds...

2010-01-01T23:50:00.000-05:00

I am a very spirtual and religious person... So i can only imagine that what i experienced last night/this moring could in fact be a good sign that this year is going to be a good year... that i'm going to get that second chance at love again... so at about 1 am in the moring I get a facebook messgae from a random guy friend from high school... it had been sent to about 10 people of which i think i might have known 1 person... but the message .. get this the message said ____ (ex's name) wants you to check out channel 4 news.com... my ex first of all does not have a common name... my friend from high school and i never knew anyone that had that name at that time... not to say he doesn't now.. but what are the odds... so of course i start freaking out... what does this mean.. what is this site... so he follows up the message a few hours later saying his page had been hacked... which is okay... but isn't that crazy what are the odds...someone please tell me... i'm taking it as the universe talking to me... and i've been smiling about it all day!!!! Here's to 2010 starting off with great things..i'm so excited to see more of it come!!!

Goodbye 2009...

2009-12-31T13:18:00.000-05:00

I am still spinning circles in what 2009 has brought to me... Although I may not have recieved all I have wanted to recieve... I am grateful for what I have.. the new and rekindled friendships I have formed... the new opportunities that have arose... I know that life is about more than just the goodtimes it's about how you handle and make it through the bad... and i have had such a great support system thus far... I know that my happiness wil only contiune to grow in the up coming year...

I leave it all in God's hands... he brought me to it this year and has brought me through it and I know he will contiune to do so...

So hear is a toast to say goodbye to 2009 and hello 2010...

I wish for cointinued love and happiness for me and all my loves ones this upcoming year!

Older Posts that some how got erased from my blog... enjoy!

2009-12-22T23:33:00.000-05:00

Monday, August 11, 2008

Today's Bilble Quote...

Mark 11:22
So Jesus answered and said to them, “Have faith in God.

SO simple these words are... but thats just it... it's that simple... i must put all my faith in God.. He loves me... I find myself getting anxious quite often in my day thinking about what i should have done what i should do... and i know i have stop and and just send it all up to God in prayers and allow him to guide me on his own time... i know it's easier said than done and I'm definitely better than i have been.. each day i catch myself doing it less and i also think about it for less time when i actually do... i must thank God for that... for i know He is with me each and every moment of everyday... Thank you God for this blessed day...

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Hearing your voice...

made me so happy and so sad at the same time... it's hard explain how talking about nothing and everything... could make me feel like nothing between us has changed that we still are together and no time has passed.. i guess that statement could make me sound a bit crazy... but if you could hear us you would understand what i mean... it's like we don't miss beat when we speak... but now what.. when will i have another reason to speak to you again... and now that felt like a tease b/c now i want to see you... ugh.. i can aggravate myself with the thoughts that flow through my own head on a daily basis... i know i must continue to put my faith in God that he will help bring us back together and in time this will be... so i raise my prayers this evening up to you God... grant me the strength to get through the wait...

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Missing our talks...

I miss our talks... you were always there when i needed you no matter how big or how small what i needed to say... and you were their to comfort me and always tell me that it was going to be okay... and i knew it would be because you said so... you were my best friend... you still are my best friend... no matter what happened who walked into our lives... we were always there for each helping and pushing each other forward... and now i stand here alone... missing the sound of your voice missing your words of wisdom... do you miss talking to me... am i the only one that feels this way... do you miss me too??? My heart says that you still miss me and our talks... my heart and door are always open for you...te amo miamor...

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Highs and Lows...

This weekend was eventful to say the least... actually it was going quite well... i went to the movies with a girlfriend and caught up with her... and that was really nice... i was able to lounge around the house Saturday and then i spent the night dancing with 3 of my other girlfriends... Sunday i went to church and then went to my Godson's birthday party and once again caught up with old friends... it was a blessed weekend... and then i drove home and saw them... and it so quickly felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me... just like that in an instant... it was fate that brought me to that point at that crossroad... it brought both of us there.. but why??... I must put my faith in God's hands and believe that it had it's purpose... and that although i feel crushed at the moment that God has a plan for me and him and he putting everything into place now so that we can be together soon... I pray tonight for just that... and the strength to just get through the evening...God hasn't failed me yet and i have faith he never will...

Friday, July 25, 2008

Memory Lane...

What possessed me to go down memory lane today... i know i did it to myself... But surprisingly as I walked around and began to discuss it with my sibling... i was smiling and happy reliving the moments... but as i sit hear now... all i really want to do is cry... but i won't allow myself too i can't allow myself too... I've come so far and i can't fall to that level of depression again...it will be too much for me... I miss him... i love him... will this feeling ever go away... will i ever be given that second chance that i so long for... All i want is to love and adore him for the rest of my life... nothing less than that... and everything more than that... i smile at just the thought of him... and it makes me feel crazy inside... like i can't control any of my feelings or anything else for that matter... i can feel his arms around me holding me giving my kiss on my forehead... that means more than anything in the world to me... the kiss that he has given me for the past 14 years of my life... it was always the simple things with us.. that made us so happy... a great deal at blockbuster for previously owned DVD's .. how we loved those moments... we had so many great moments over the years... and i want them back... please God bring him back to me... give us a chance at a second lifetime together.. bless us with children... I put all my faith in you God.. and i will do your will...

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I just don't get it....

Whole heartily i can say I'm a good friend... I try my best to always think before i say something b/c if you're someone like me who's has friends i know for ages and ages you know what will affect them... So why do i feel that my friends don't have that common courtesy back towards me... not all my friends i guess I'm particularly venting about one in particular... maybe it's the way she says things that gets me... I'm all open for brutally honesty... but am i your doormat.. last i checked no... if you know that 1 subject is very touchy for me why do u insist on asking me about it ... WHY.. i just don't get it... I'm such an easy person to talk to i rarely ever get upset... but don't get that confused... it doesn't mean that i want you hurt me.. just because you know how. I've been letting it roll off my back from months now biting my tongue every time something is said.. b/c i know there are so many hurtful things i can say back to just shut her up... but i just can't bring myself to do it and i won't... but how do i get her to stop... I've tried saying something and then we get into a discussion that just leaves me drained.. b/c remember i didn't want to discuss it in the first place... and then I've tried just ignoring the questions... and then i get the questions back... why are you ignoring my questions... ugh... I'm so frustrated and upset.... I'm trying so hard to not think about things and just go about my everyday with smile... and why does she insist on bringing me down... that is not what friends are for... am i to believe that she doesn't know what she's doing... i 'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt... but this has been going on for months.. how can i keep doing it... if i know what to say and what not to say to her.. why can't she... i just don't know how to handle the situation any more... I'm frustrated and confused...

Monday, July 21, 2008

Am I ready...

YES!.. I am.. I am finally ready to say it aloud and not be afraid of what others will think b/c at the moment I am single... but i am ready to be a mother... But don't get me wrong I want the whole nine yards ... i want the husband and marriage as well... The thought scares me though.. b/c i feel like every time I come across a male suitor .. my brain automatically begins to question if he could be a good father... it's like hi my name is_____... and I'm already thinking about whether he would be a good father for my child that has yet to be born... i guess that is not a wrong thought process to have but i probably should have that after i actually get asked out on a date... at least after the first date... they say as you get older you tend to raise your standards... are my standards too high... is that why i still find myself single and wondering why... i say it all the time all i ask is that a guy bring to the table what i am bringing... i think I've done very well for myself thus far in life.. is this wrong??.. are my expectations too high??... I'm also so not into hooking up for fun... or friends with benefits... I'm so over meaningless kisses... i want a man to put his arms around me and hold me and for me to just melt at that moment... to feel like the whole world stops when he holds me and looks at me... is this too much to ask for... maybe it is... i say this b/c i had this... i had my soul mate... the man of my dreams in my arms... and i let him go... he truly was the perfect father for our future kids... and he was the greatest husband a girl could ever ask for... i think about him often and when i do.. i get this feeling love and warmth all around me... He is my perfect imperfection... and i am waiting for the day that we will get a second chance at our beautiful life together...

This is a quote that i recently heard that hit very close to home...

"Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from. The next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open up your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it, with all of your heart."

I believe it with all my heart...<3<3<3...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

SO much has happened.. and not happened...

Does it seem like the days are just flying off the calendar... i can't believe it... as much as it feels like time has stood still in allot of aspects in my life... it really hasn't... the pages of life are flying by... and i feel like I'm only catching the moments in every two days... i guess you can say I've come along way.. but I'm not satisfied.. i want to live each and every moment... because in my heart i know that each moment we have her eon earth is a present from God and that we should cherish and appreciate them all... so why if i know this do i still find myself sometimes still getting a little down... there's this inner battle inside me fighting for my happiness and 8 out 10 times.. i am happy truly happy in what ever moment I'm in.. and then I'll have a memory cross my path and I'll get saddened by it.. does that mean I'm not appreciating the good that I'm not happy in the moment... or is it okay to be sad every once in a while...

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Sitting on the couch...

I find myself here... 10pm at night sitting on the couch with my laptop... thinking about life... my life... and my purpose in this life... I by all means consider myself a good person... loving and kind... everyone has lessons that they have learned in life.. and you know what they say everything happens for a reason... you are where you were meant to be in life... it leaves me asking myself the burning question.. is this where i was meant to be alone on my couch letting out my frustrations out on my laptop once again??? There has to more meant for me than this... but what... maybe I'm just impatient and that's my problem... but how long is too long to wait... for something anything to happen... if i could go back and do it all over again... would i make other choices.. and if i did make those other choices would i be happy with them now... would i still have come full circle and be sitting on this couch at 10pm typing away my frustrations on my laptop... i guess i sound like I'm going in circles... and by all means... i really am... and this is what goes on in my head all day.. talk about headaches...lol.. i always have this on going joke about wanting an off switch for my brain... but i really don't think I'm joking sometimes i really do think i need one... doesn't everyone deserve a rest... if for only 5 minutes... i even think my brain has been working over time in my sleep.. i seem to wake up these days remembering more and more of my dreams... so not good...

This happens to be a very important weekend for me... I'm embarking on a new journey... a step back in time and although i cannot fix my mistakes that I've made... i am none the less walking back.. to once again soon step forward hopefully on a bigger better foot.... i haven't quite figured out if I'm more scared and nervous or just excited with nerves... but what i do know is that I'm overcome with emotion... i know that the only way to walk into this is with positivity and strength and i do have it ... but right now I'm a little scared... scared to fall back into how I've lived my whole life thus far... at least as far as i can remember it... in fear... I've let fear run me... although I've come so far this past year... fear sneaks up on me like tonight and tries to take hold of me again... and i know i cannot let it.. i have to continue to look it in the face and show it who's boss... SO hear i am... still writing on my laptop.. hoping that by writing this all down and releasing this into the universe... it will help clear my head of the fears... and allow me to truly begin on this journey with a clear head that is fearless...

Yes or No???

2009-12-20T20:26:00.000-05:00

I think i might have made up my mind.... OMG.... I might be moving...... I mean I am moving.... OMG.. did i actually say those words out loud.... I think this change is what is best for me... for some reason God brought this opportunity to me and I would be real silly to pass it up.. SO I'm going... but i'm still very nervous... and also excited.... who knows what this journey will bring.... I hope you're all ready..

Lost in emotion and confusion...

2009-12-18T21:14:00.000-05:00

So I have a doozie going on right now in my head... I'm so lost and confused on what to do... So let me back up to beg of the week... I was recommended for a job by my old boss, who happened to be applying at the same company, but the thing is the company was in another state (you feel where i'm going with this)... but my ex boss was looking at the job as a work from home thing... so i deceide that i had nothing to lose that working form home sounded great let me see how this goes... besides being out of work already for like 8 months... so i traveled to this new state and went on the interview on Wednesday...

and here we are today and i hear back the job is mine... the only thing is i have to move to where the headquarters is... MOVE yes i said move... OMG... i'm soooo confused on wht to do.. I know nobody in this new city... I would be leaving everything i know.. for this opportunity... and I'm so scared... it's interesting b/c one of the reasons why me and my ex didn't work out is b/c i was afraid to move... you see I have this thing that I fear change .. i don't know why it is or what has made me this way but it completely scares me... so here i am now... 3 days to deceide whether or not this is the right move for me...

I feel i have nothing to lose and everything to gain by leaving... but at the same time I'm soooo scared... i don't know what to do... i've been asking advice from everyone i know.. but i know in the end it my decison and mine alone... oy vey.... today i day 1 of sleeping on it... there's nothing more i can do but just really think and think...I'm also waiting for JWG to call me back to offer his advice to me.. since he has done it before move without knowing anyone... wish me luck thinking tonight!

Still hopeless...

2009-12-13T21:47:00.000-05:00

i don't know if i thought JWG would truly be able to get my mind off the ex-hubby but it doesn't really work... who am i fooling... i'm still in love with my ex... the holidays are the hardest b/c i use to spend them with him and his family.. so the past few years i've had to begin make new traditions and they still aren't getting any easier... but what can you do... but put a smile on ur face and go with the flow... what other choice do i have... okay enough sobbbbb story...

this week a good girlfriend of mine had a baby girl and she is absolutely gorgeous... and another friend of mine called me today and thinks she might be preggo as well... all these babies around me..OMG my ovaries are killing times a million... but i love that i get to be a great auntie to all these cute babies... it makes me feel so loved and wonderful... I know my time will come when its suppose to... and i will be so happy when it does...

what else can i update on... more on JWG... we have been flirting allot even had a night of sending really dirty txts.. i know .. i know... what am i doing... honestly... it feels nice to be wanted again... i miss someone saying all the cute.."i've been thinking about you" "hi beautiful" i need it... is that wrong of me...JWR live in another state so i don"t things will ever amount to anything... so is it okay to flirt.... what to do.. what to do... i think i'm just going to go with the flow.. see where life leads me...

Ciao for now!

Ups and Downs...

2009-12-09T00:25:00.000-05:00

So today was one of those days.. I had many downs and i managed turn it up to positivity... thank goodness... cause i can't keep doing this to myself... allot had to do with the fact that the ex-hubby contacted me via email again to continue handling a few things we hadn't done with some of out accounts... i went to handle one today... and when i left after completing the task.. i felt so heartbroken... like one of the last strings that still held us together was just cut... and it hurt... so i cried... it had been a while since i did... and i was mad at myself for crying... why does he still have this effect on me... but i aced my final this evening so that turned my evening around...

okay I'm going to come clean... that's not the only reason why... I'm being a bad girl again... I've been flirting with a guy from my past... he was actually my best guy friend from right before i began dating my ex-hubby (who didn't like him) ... it's has only been going on through text... he actually lives in another state... back when we were friends... we kissed once... but i was soo drunk i don't remember... he always had this big crush on me but i never saw him in that way... so it's been like 11 years since we really last spoke or for that matter I've even heard his voice... well thanks to facebook we got in contact again.. and we've been flirting for like 1 month and he's actually coming home to visit his parent for Christmas and he wants to hang out... and I'm really nervous... why you ask?... I'm afraid to like him... I'm afraid that i won't be attracted to him... right now I'm so attracted to his personality now... so he actually put a smile on my face earlier today with just a text... i was just smitten by it... it's really scaring me... he sooo not what I've been attracted to either... i also think he has a long term girl that lives here too... but i haven't had the nerve to ask... only because we aren't anything and i figure until i see him and know what i want i really shouldn't care?? or should I... ugh... i don't want to get hurt yet again.. I've been hurt twice this year already... yes twice... I'll have to get into that some other day.. cause we are in a happy place right now... I'm still smiling ... OMG... this can't happen... I'm really scared of this.... i;m also scared that i won't be able to love him because I'm not over you know who... then i will ruin a friendship i could have had.. by hurting his feelings... I need to give this new guy a name we'll call him Johnny Walker Green (JWG).... we had this whole joke thing about it today.. first thing that came to mind...lol...

So...this is

making me

Smile!

Weekend recap... karma

2009-12-06T16:33:00.000-05:00

So this weekend seemed like it was going to start off great... so why i am so utterly confused, sad and sick of my own actions... You would think i would have learned from my previous mistakes in life but no i keep repeating them over and over again... ugh!!! well here we go..

Friday- started off great I got a fab haircut and blow dry... put on a sexy outfit and went to meet up with friends i hadn't seen in almost 14 years... the night was good had a great time with everyone... until..yes i said until... i let my hormones get involved... i winded up kissing someone i should have... a friend of my ex... yes i said it a friend... i feel nothing but guilty for doing it.. the worst part is i'm not even attacted to this guy... it was just there.. i guess between feeling horny and lonley and drunk...i just let myself go with it...ugh..i'm such a bad person...

Saturday- disgusted with myself i tried to sleep all day to forget it... but i had a bday party to go to that night... but me and my drunken self told the guy the meet me there from the night before... so of course now i really don't wanna go but have too... luckily he didn't show up... i spent the night talking to this guy a friend of girlfriend fiance and i just couldn't get into the convo... i keep wanting to meet a new guy and it seems every time i do I'm so turned off the situation... i mean the guy was talking to me and i swear all i did was smile and keep nodding my head... it's sooo mean of me maybe that why i have no luck in the love department...

Sunday- karma kicking in full swing... my ex-hubby...yes the love of my life send me a cold email asking to handle some the separation of an acct we seem to still have... wtf...like why contact me this weekend of all weekends...is it b/c I'm a horrible person.... so here i lay disgusted with myself and i don't know how to get rid of this feeling..

After Thanksgiving Bliss/Blues...

2009-11-30T20:43:00.000-05:00

I have to say that i had a good holiday weekend... I'm thankful that i had the opportunity to be surrounded by so many people who love me and care about that it made me almost forget any sadness i might have felt at times. So i am very blessed this year. This time of year has to be the hardest because it make me think about my family that i no longer have... i carry them with me in my heart and i pray that they are all doing well and are happy this holiday season...

So with that I'm going to move on to the positive things in my life... a change in my career and life... I was told I would hear from this job by Dec 4 and I've checked website everyday.. hoping to see a posting or an answer or something the suspense is killing me..I'm currently waiting for an email regarding the new job.. i applied for one that would completely change my life lol. . And it's only part 1 or the interview process....lol.. this is going to be a long waiting game for me since i so lack patience... I know I am perfect for this job.. so i think they should just bypass everything and just offer it to me. .. HELLO JOB PEOPLE...you hear I'm perfect for this job!...

On to another note... I'm sooo into Gossip Girl..lol.. i feel like a young kid again watching 90210 ...lol.. i can't help but laugh at myself sometimes.. i sit here laugh, cry and at times have my mouth completely open because of something they said or did... i wish it came on more than just once a week.. lol.. i guess that could be too much to ask considering i have trouble catching up on all the other shows i watch already... but it soooo addicting...

I think i went off on enough tangents already... i feel better getting the first half off my chest it actually helps me get rid of my anxiety... to my dear 4 followers thanks for being my outlet to vent... my health appreciates it... if only i could figure out how to blog while being out and about and with the sound of my voice... i know i would blogg so much more.. oh well until someone invents it.. i have to just try to make more of an effort..

Ciao...

Wow..it has been a long time...

2009-11-24T03:52:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to Begin it's been so long since I've actually wrote on my blog... Life has been_______... i don't even know how to answer that... Isn't that sad... i feel blessed to have such great friends in my and family who cares and I am grateful... but i can't help but feel like I walk around smiling all the time to hide what i actually feel inside... I'm sad... don't get me wrong i have my good days when i forget and my bad days when i feel it more... i feel anxious allot.. i get these butterfly pains in my stomach that i can't get rid of... and i don't know why i have them... i know life isn't perfect... it has it's up and it's downs and i need to be okay with that...

I question myself allot... because i find that I'm searching for a boyfriend as if i was going to die tomorrow... is it that i need a man to be more fulfilled?... in my heart i know i don't... but why do i then feel sad or feel the urgency... it's also ironic that when given opportunity to date i clam up... i know allot must have to due with the fact that I'm still hopelessly in love with my ex-husband... i still hold on to the hope that we will get back together... i guess that can make it difficult for me to date anyone else... it has been 2 years since he walked away from me for another girl.. a girl he has since proposed too... but without me sounding crazy... i assure you I'm not... i can't help but know that he still loves me... and that although he with this other girl he is with her for all the wrong reasons... I hope that wakes up and sees that on his own before he makes the biggest mistake of his life by marrying her.... but only time will tell... i wonder to myself at times what would happen if we were to see each other face to face... but i can't bring myself to chase him like that... i made it know to him a while ago how i felt about him and us... his response obviously wasn't what i wanted to hear but it also wasn't one that would leave me to believe he's where he's suppose to be... he said "please don't do this to me... I'm happy and engaged" i would think his response should have said something more like I'm in love with this girl she's it for me... like he told everyone when we were married... i know i am his soul mate and he is mine... but here it is the truth... i hurt him so badly... talk about karma but I'm the one that asked him for the divorce... so part of the reasons why i think he's with this girl is "security" he straight out told me he couldn't trust that when things got tough that i wouldn't walk about on him again... All i could do is explain that i was young... i was 23-24 years old... but he is a prideful man.... So what's a girl to do... i pray to God allot for him to give me the guidance and strength to keep moving on with my life and if "my love" and me are meant to be to allow our paths to cross again at the time when it will be right for us to be together... i want to be in a healthy happy relationship... i want to have a family one day... i want that part of my life to begin again... i feel like I've hit the pause button and now I'm stuck on pause... and i know life is happening each and everyday and if i don't live it each and everyday that it's just passing me by.... so that is why i pray for the strength from God...

Thank you for listening to my ramblings.. i need to vent today.. i feel like i was storing too much in my head and i was about to explode... I feel better now... I guess I'll leave you with the song that is truly tugging at my heart right now... Alicia Keys "Try sleeping with a broken heart"

MIA...

2009-03-12T11:17:00.000-04:00

Sorry I've been MIA my fellow 3 readers...
But I'll be back soon with lots to say and share.. and post!!!!...
It's just been a few of those couples weeks that get you sometimes...
Hope everyone is well in bloggyland...

40 days of Lent...

2009-02-28T16:04:00.000-05:00

I give thanks for my girlfriends... without you guys I'm not sure how I would have gotten through very rough times... Whether it was a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and just your presence to make me feel better... we've shared sooo many good memories and I'm sooo happy to have you all in my life... Thank you God for giving me such great friends...

Daily Single's Lovescope...

2009-02-27T15:22:00.000-05:00

So I get this email... which is usually junk mail but something made me click on it...Hey what do i have to lose looking at "what my single lovescope is today".. and OMG it nailed it on the head.. in my life in general... not really the love part..I actually don't see how it does relate to my love life maybe it's the out of control part.. either way.. I do feel like my life is out of control and that I'm spending too much money with out thinking.. and reality of the matter is I loose my job in 4 more paychecks and I still don't have a job to replace it... so this was a wake up call that I needed to put myself back in check... I don't need a new outfit every time I go out.. okay... I copied what the scope said below...now I should get back to work..lol...

Daily Single's Love: February 27, 2009

ARIES

March 21-April 19

You could definitely use a little discipline right now -- everything's sort of out of control. You're spending too much money, eating too many burgers and wasting too much time on the Internet. Rein it all in. When you feel like doing something bad, go for a walk.

40 days of Lent

2009-02-26T21:20:00.001-05:00

Today I want to thank God for my mother...
Our relationship hasn't always been the best but I love her dearly...
She truly is an amazing woman...
and I'm lucky to have her in my life...
Thank you God for blessing me with her...

What Friends character are you???

2009-02-26T21:15:00.000-05:00

I can so relate to Rachel.. =)

SO feelin' this song...

2009-02-25T22:02:00.000-05:00

Can't wait till he's singing it to me!!!

40 days of Lent...

2009-02-25T21:44:00.000-05:00

Durning these 40 days of Lent... I am going to give Thanks to God each day for all the blessings he has given me...

Today I begin by giving thanks for my sister... my sister and I are many years apart...
The day she was born was the day that I first understood what unconditional love was...
I held my sister in my arms she was so small and so precious...
She brought and still brings so much joy to my life..
Thank you God for giving me such a blessing...

Weekend Recap...

2009-02-22T20:22:00.000-05:00

First I want to say that I had a really nice time going out with my girlfriends on Friday night... but i was also soo pumped that I was going to meet new men possibly the man of my dreams... yeah that didn't happen... instead I met men that were old enough to be my father... let 's just say the one guy that did talk to me had 15 years on me...

This leads me to my Saturday.. where i didn't leave my bed all day... i canceled plans to meet my girlfriends for lunch because i just didn't have it in me to want to move... after spending a day watching TV all day that did nothing but depress me.. I watched the movie of all movies... i think i cried from the moment it started until the moment it ended.. it was "Taking Chance" on HBO... I cried for Chance,I cried for myself, I cried for my ex, i cried for my lost marriage... it was uncontrollable sobs... and then i watched "In the time of Cholera" and cried some more... and fell asleep somewhere in between watching and crying...

It's Sunday night and i haven't left my bed all day....I'm trying so hard to move on with my life.. but i feel like i'm stuck in a hole and i can't get out... i am hurting so much and i don't know how to make it stop... i still have hope.. is that crazy???... hope that he'll forgive me and take me back... i just don't know what to do anymore... i just don't know...

GREAT GIVEAWAY TO THE BAHAMAS!

2009-02-19T14:14:00.000-05:00

I must share this with all of you... Please visit Southern Belle to enter her fabulous giveaway.. TODAY...
You don't want to miss out on the chance to win a trip on a cruise to the Bahamas...
I'm already thinking about my next vacation... all this snow around me is getting to me I need to go back into the sun...lol...
GOOD LUCK!!!

I'm back...

2009-02-19T13:53:00.001-05:00

What a great vacation... I had so much fun..
I relaxed and just enjoyed myself...
I completely forgot about not having a boyfriend for Valentine's day and about the fact that I was laid off two weeks ago...
But here I am back at work (they are keeping on for 2 months before letting me go for good... yeah I know I'm grateful but dammm it also stinks knowing that your working for a company that doesn't care about you..not really motivating) in the freezing cold...
trying to keep myself... upbeat and happy...
It's so hard when i went from wearing a bikini and flip flops to wool coat and snow boats... boooo!!!.. I want the sun back...

I hope everyone had a fabulous long weekend...

I am trying to catch up on work and all the posts on my blog reader... I almost had withdrawals one not being able to access my reader.. but I quickly snapped out of it when I felt the hot sun on me... okay tootles for now...

This weekend....

2009-02-11T13:57:00.000-05:00

I will be staying on this...

Swimming in this water...

Relaxing on one of these while...

Drinking...

and smiling the whole time...

I can't wait!!!

How well do you know someone...

2009-02-11T11:53:00.000-05:00

This whole Chris Brown and Rihanna situation has got me thinking about relationships and about how well you know a person before getting into one... Or do you really ever know a person fully... It is actually leaving me a bit scared and relieved I'm not in one right now... Yes I know this isn't how every relationship is.. but the statistics on domestic violence are alarming... 1 out every 4 women has experienced or will experience domestic violence in their lifetime... I see it, it happened to a close friend of mine in college and I'm still trying to recover from it... I still feel guilty.. I think of all the signs that I could have seen now and what I could have done... and this is me on the outside looking in... I could not imagine how it would have been to be the one in the situation...

My heart goes out to Rihanna during this time and to her family and friends as well... I'm sure they're feeling the same that I was/am that they could have done something to stop it...
May God enter their hearts and allow them to forgive themselves and give them the strength to help her get through this horrible time in her life...

Happy Anniversary 2/7...

2009-02-08T11:39:00.000-05:00

This post is a day late... not only because for me it was a sad day but also because I was sick in bed with a fever... Both of which I'm feeling better about today...

I sat and thought about the past and all the memories we shared over the years and all the ones that we have missed recently... and at some points I found my smiling and feeling happy.. because of all the good memories we did share and how I would never want to trades those memories in for the world... It's like the saying goes"It's better to have loved and lost..then never to have loved at all"... and I finally agree.... I have felt what it feel like to be loved unconditionally and to love another unconditionally.. and I don't want to settle until I can feel that again... I have hope that I will...

Happy Anniversary my love...

Nick and Sharon...

2009-02-04T13:02:00.000-05:00

The story of Nick and Sharon on The Young and the Restless is what gets me through the days lately... I watch the soap everyday.. hoping and praying for them as a couple to get that second chance and they finally did... and I know that it's me also hoping that I too will get mine as well... here is the scene in which it happened it makes me so hopefully that I too will have mine...

So many memories of us... flutter my head each and every moment of everyday... What do i do... I feel lost... I'm finally in a happy place and all i want to do is share my happiness with him...
But he's not around...and I'm so in love with him!

Having one of those nights...

2009-01-30T21:15:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Love...

2009-01-26T09:41:00.000-05:00

Today is "his" birthday... but I'm not going to dwell that it is yet another birthday we aren't spending together... I must stay positive and see it as the last one we'll spend without each other...

So today I wish him nothing but the best... I hope he truly enjoyed each moment of his birthday! because he deserves it all and then some!

Long Weekend Recap....

2009-01-19T21:51:00.000-05:00

Here's a recap of my great weekend...

Friday- The movie was GREAT!!!... It gave me a whole new perspective... it gave me hope and that my one true love is out and that he will be brought back to me... and I have to say that i can sooo completely relate to Emma in the movie.. which at first I thought was sooo cute... but now that I've had time to reflect on it I realize that I too must work... and this is my year to do so..

Saturday- Hung out with a good friend.. pretty simple day.. but i like it like that..

Sunday- Dinner with another good friend... lots of laughs ... perfect...

Monday- watched some TV and the beautiful snow outside.. had dinner with my mom and sis.. couldn't as for a better end to a great weekend...

As i listened to Martin Luther King, Jr. "I have a dream" speech I am so proud and privileged to be able to experience the inauguration of the first African American president tomorrow.. this is already starting out to be a great year.. i can't wait to see what other good things happen...

TGIF...

2009-01-16T16:30:00.000-05:00

Why does this day feel never ending... I think I might have even fell asleep at my desk for a minute or too with my eyes open and hand still on my mouse...

But in other news... has everyone been keeping up with the "Miracle on the Hudson" from yesterday in NY... God was truly watching over those passengers.. and it definitely left me with perspective to the fact the you really don't know what tomorrow will bring so we need to cherish each day and make sure we tell the ones we love that we love them each and everyday...

On a brighter note... I'm going to see Bride Wars tonight and I'm so excited... hopefully I won't leave there all depressed b/c I'll remember I won't be a bride anytime soon... Yes yes... I hear you brain ..THINK POSITIVE... this is your year... and anything is possible...

Hope everyone is enjoying their Friday thus far!

Another Day... Another Dollar...Another Headache

2009-01-14T15:19:00.000-05:00

Before I begin don't get me wrong.. I'm very lucky and appreciative to have a job in these trying times... But I don't know how much longer I can sit here and do what i do... My co-workers don't really bother much... it's just the work.... is just that boring.. I've been in the same industry for 5 years now..(i should have listened to myself and got out after the first year when i was bored)... But in any case I'm doing something about it now... but it required me to go back to school for my Masters (which is great!)... but it's going to take me at least 2-3 years to finish... (going part-time)...The thought of having to do what i do for that much longer... gives me a headache... But what do i do?... I obviously can't live without a paycheck...As you read in a previous post I'm single so I don't have another income to lean on...

Are you suppose to love what you do????... or am I living in lalalal land...

HELP!!.. i need positive feed back to get me out of this mental rut!!!...

I have been MIA...

2009-01-09T19:54:00.001-05:00

So it's 2009... Happy Belated New Year's everyone... I hope you have been enjoying it and spending it with the ones you love... As for me I've started school and work again... And boy what a week it's been... Why is that after being on vacation it's so hard to get back into the groove of things .. but hey I can't complain I have a job that pays me well... and I am grateful to God for that...

So what else has been going with me lately...

I'm still hopelessly in love with my ex.. Yes i know ... i shouldn't be doing this to myself and it has been a while since we've been together and he has moved on and is in a "committed relationship"... but i can't help but feel like he's there because he feels like it's safe... he knew getting back with me would be harder b/c of the trust issue... I left him.. i was scared young and naive... and when we discussed getting back together right before he began dating the person he is with now... he said that being with me would be risky.. and he was not willing to put himself through that again... He knew that i had changed but he was too scared to take that step again with me.. Can i blame him 100% not not at all... but i still feel that no relationship is perfect and that when you have a love that strong ... that it makes hard for him to even see me know without feelings coming back.. that you don't throw that away.... the relationship isn't bad between us.. i mean we were still very close friends after it ended so that just goes to show we can make it work... but now the new girl doesn't "allow us to be friends" ... i know i have to let him get this out of system and if it was meant to be.... like i think it is.... God will will bring us back together.. That it is only a matter of time... So I'll wait patiently... Until my love comes back...

I think I've rambled on enough...

I'm just having one of those days... of just missing him.... thanks for listening (reading)...

Goodbye Letter to 2008...

2008-12-31T12:57:00.000-05:00

Dear 2008,

This year you have brought me many ups and downs. But the one thing I've learned this year is to focus on the good and be grateful for all those moments.

So 2008 I am grateful to you this year for...
~Bringing me closer to God... I feel God's love in my heart and soul each and everyday... I know that he is with me and guiding me to find my true happiness...
~Bringing me home closer to my family... no family is perfect... but I've come to understand and realize that they will be there for you when you need them most...
~Thank you for my loving friends.. they have been a huge support system that have gotten me through so many rough times...
~Thank you for the opportunity to finally pursue my Masters so that i can finally change my career to one that will be rewarding and make me happy to go to work each and everyday.
~Thank you 2008 for taking care of my girlfriends allowing them to find happiness and success. it truly makes me happy to see them smile...

I welcome 2009 with open arms.. something i haven't done in many years... I'm looking forward to the future... I ask God to watch over and guide me towards all things glorious.

I am truly blessed...

May God bless us all in this new year!

Love always,
Me

My New Haircut...

2008-12-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

So I've decided that for the New Year I'm going to go with a new look... so this is the cute look I'm going for...

I can only hope i look as cute as Cassie in it..I have a 930am appt.. I know crazy early... But that's the price of beauty! Wish me luck...

So...

2008-12-29T23:26:00.000-05:00

When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.

So that is the quote my cousin has listed on her away message on IM... and after reading it I received this big feeling of hope just come back and fill me up again... it was just what I needed and yet she has no idea... Could it have been God giving me a sign not give up to hold on just a little longer, that it's finally going to happen... I feel hopeful that it was a sign... that this New Year will bring on all the happiness in the world that i so need and deserve.. i can't wait... I'm so excited!!!..

Here's to feeling hopeful in 2009... which is almost here.. i can't believe it.. where did 2008 go... by all means it felt like a long year while i was living it but in retrospect now i look back and it feels like a blur... Did i mention that I'm excited for all the possibilities that lie ahead.. okay just checking...lol..

I be sure to keep my 1 reader posted of all the good things to come.. =)...

Fun Survey...

2008-12-27T20:52:00.000-05:00

Whats your middle name? Don't have one...
You like anyone right now? I'm deeply in love...
What did you do last night? Helped a friend pack...
Where would you like to go right now? In my loves arms...
The last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Java for school
Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery? ummm.. no.. who has???
Last time you swam in a pool? This summer...
What are you wearing? Sweat suit and my warm fuzzy socks i got for xmas...toasty!
How many cars have you owned? 2 cars...
Type of music you dislike most? Can't say i dislike any...
Do you have cable? Of course.. how did we ever survive with out it as kids...lol..
What kind of computer do you use? Dell...
Ever made a prank phone call? Yes...
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? i really want to.. but i'm so scared...
Furthest place you ever traveled? England
What's your favorite comic strip? Archie
Do u know all the words to the national anthem? Yes... and I'm very proud!
Shower, morning or night? Morning for work and again if I'm going out at night
Best movie you've seen in the past month? Love in the time of Cholera... great movie!
Chips or popcorn? Chips
What cell phone provider do you have? Tmobile.. ugh i know...
Have you ever smoked peanut shells? No.. can't figure out if this is a joke question..lol
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? No
Orange Juice or apple? Does Sunny D count....
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with? One of best friends family...
Favorite chocolate bar? Kit Kat
Who is your longest friend and how long? 20 years and counting...
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? not since my last job... a co-worker use to bring them in...
Have you ever won a trophy?Yes
Favorite arcade game? Car Racing
Ever ordered from an infomercial? No..but I've def contemplated it...they make the items look so appealing ...lol..
Sprite or 7-UP?Sprite
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work? Yes to school ..no to work
Last thing you bought at Walgreens? No idea.. it's been a while...
Ever thrown up in public? Yes.. so not cute...
Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love? I've found true love.. I'd like to keep it...
Do you believe in love at first sight?Yes
SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON?Sponge bob
How many messages are on your voicemail ?OMG ..too many... I'm so bad with that...
Why do people have sex? Loving connection with another soul...
Whats the name of your pet? NA
What do you think about most? My Love...
What do you have planned for New Year's? no plans yet

Dear Santa...

2008-12-24T14:55:00.000-05:00

It's almost time for you to arrive and I can't be more ecstatic...

Because this year Santa I've only asked for thing and I know you won't let me down...

So I'll wait patiently hoping that my present will be here soon...

If i forget to say it later Santa...

Thank you ... Thank you... Thank you...